The finer art of costume.

I'm about to spend the next two weeks dressed as a giant tooth. Not a big tooth. A giant one.

I like dressing up. I love dress-up parties. I love 'em coz you can pretend to be anything. My favourite thing to go as is a stable member of society without trust issues and social anxieties. Or a pirate.

When I was a kid, I'd spend hours dressed a Raffaello for the Ninja Turtles. What defined me as Raf was the red bead on the end of the fondue forks I had in my belt. I like dressing up properly.

I went to my first 18th dressed as a breathalyser. I made it myself out of cardboard. I think a costume is like sex. So much more satisfying when you don't have to pay for it. That said, I have paid for some very satisfying costumes in my time.

The key to a good costume party is a theme that's either open to a huge range of possibilities, or is strange and specific, and takes a good deal of effort to find a costume for. My favourite costume-party story was my mate Jonno's. He was told the theme for their football club party was Seinfeld. As such, he went in tight jeans, sneakers t-shirt and sport jacket. Then when he got there, it turned out there was no theme, and he was stuck dressed slightly rudely. That's excellent for the prank itself, but more so for the fact that Jonno'd just not quite fit in. I am very excited to have a Seinfeld themed party. Although you have to make sure you're popular enough for people to make the effort, or else your party will be both ill attended and badly dressed.

My brother once had a costume party, and went as the Silver Surfer. An absolute mission, coz when we sweated it up on the dance floor, the body paint ran and his costume was ruined. Oh, the tears. I went as a Transformer, but couldn't make an accurate version of any one particular Transformer, so went as a traffic light that "transformed" into a robot. The fact I turned from something into a robot was enough for me. Not so much for everyone else though. Oh, how the well-dressed judge.

There are a few themes that you should never, ever have. Well, by all means do, but don't expect anything special in terms of original costumes.

These themes are...

-Pimps and Ho's*
-Heaven and Hell
-Sluts and Studs
-Doctors and Nurses.

Throw any of the aforementioned themes and the girls will look like hookers and the guys will buy crap costumes. If that's what you want got to a costume shop or Kings Cross.

I'm being very judgemental now. Perhaps too judgemental for someone who's gonna spend the next two weeks dressed as a tooth. And I didn't even make the costume myself.

*If you're after this kind of party, tune into a pirate radio station and you'll be able to hear someone yelling the address of one and a list of party stipulations over some poor music selections. You're welcome.