Not Derogatory.

A little while is was doing a topical joke at a gig. Doing topical material is hard coz if you do it for any longer than 48hrs, it pretty much goes from being “topical” to being “hack”. So you write it, learn it as best you can, then perform it once, maybe twice if it’s good.
Bearing this in mind, a while ago I did a topical joke at a gig. It went like so...

“Did you see that thing about the Sri Lankan cricket team on the news? Apparently they hit a massive score against the Pakistani’s and the next day they got shot up by all these gunmen. Luckily, no players were killed, just injured. So it looks like the Pakistani bowlers aren’t the only ones that need to work on their line and length”

Not a great joke, but good enough as it was topical. The problem was, when I did it, i was so busy trying to remember the joke that instead of referring to the team as the Pakistanis, I called them “The Paki’s”

After I did so, there was this really weird vibe in the room, no-one really liked me and I couldn’t work out why. After the gig, MC told me what had happened, referring to the Pakistanis as Paki’s. But in Australia, it’s not derogatory, it’s an abbreviation.

The only other time I’d felt such a weird vibe in a room towards me was at this party a little while back. It was at a mates place, and I drunk way too much and passed out early in the night. One of the boys drew a cock on my cheek whilst i was out. Would have been fine, but a few hours later i rose and rejoined the party, but there was a really weird vibe in the room, like no-one really liked me and I couldn’t work out why. It was only when I got talking to a French girl that I realised.

She said “You know you’ve got a dick on your cheek” I said “ah yeah, but my name’s Richard. In Australia, it’s not derogatory, it’s an abbreviation.

U KFC

KFC sponsors the cricket in Australia. I don’t know why. Fried chicken and sport go together like chalk and cheese. Poverty and education. Scunthorpe and dreams.
It makes me angry coz it’s ridiculous.

KFC is ridiculous.

Who makes their slogan “Finger licking good” and then includes a moist towlette? They know saliva alone can’t break down the layer of grease on your mits, so why make that the slogan?
KFC is ridiculous.
Last year during the cricket, they advertised special meal. Chicken, chips, coronary and a drink of your choice. It was called The Cricketers Box. Now, anyone who knows anything about cricket knows that a box is a sweaty plastic cup that protects your bits and pieces. It’s gross, but conducive to good health. Seldom do I desire fried chicken (sober), I hardly think packaging it alongside the testes of Danny that plays in the B team at Thornlie is gonna sway my decision.

KFC is ridiculous.

Their latest travesty against humankind is the Boneless Box. Made for those that want to enjoy chicken, without the pesky bones. What kind of fucking imbecile can’t deal with chicken bones!?! The fucken animal has EVOLVED to become more easily consumed! It’s next evolutionary step is to be born marinated and lay poached eggs!
Surely, whoever came up with this boneless chicken idea is the same person that brought us such self defeating ideas as mild chilli, minced meat and iced tea.

KFC is ridiculous.

I’ve realised, the only decent food they serve at KFC is corn. Good on em, I thought. Turns out though, you’re not meant to eat that. The corn is just an ‘in’ joke coz the guy that runs the place is called The Kernel.

Crickets

3 days in the bush can feel like an eternity. Well, three days anywhere can feel like an eternity. Three days on a bus. Three days in pergatory. Three days in shame. All, a long, long time.

Luckily, three days in the bush can be very very funny. And there are two routes to funny.

1. Time. Anything can become funny over a long period of time. Except "Friends" obviously.

2. Liquor. It's the shortcut to funny. It's the shortcut to fun. And if you've got three days to fill with fun, why not stay there. It's a long way back from sober.

Liquor is an iinteresting little number. Next time you're sitting around with your mates, stop and have a look. Who's drinking out of thirst? And who's drinking out of spite for their liver. It must suck to be a liver these days. I bet they tell tales of their Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand parents processing roughage. Or their first bit of meat. Nowadays it's like they're stuck on the Travelator in Gladiators, and every weekend it speeds up a bit more. They keep running and running as other organs cheers them on from the stands with "homemade" signs and the occassional piece of post-production commentary...

"he's doing it hard on the travelator, I'm starting to wonder whether this liver will live-r-nother day."

I don't know who commentates on Gladiators, but it'll always be a very poor mans Dennis Cometti.

Should have said that in the bush. Would have been classic. If not for all the crickets.