Tune in.

I'm fairly certain this statement'll put me in the "Old Man" box (on some imaginary form, not an actual box to keep old men in. Coz that wouldn't be a box, that'd be a casket), but I can't believe how bad pop music is. There. I said it. Didn't think I ever would say that genuinely, but I have.

Who the fuck is buying this synthesized, electronic, r&b, bland, repetitive tripe that means nothing and rewards listeners with even less? I'm not angry, so much as astounded. I know I'm old coz when i say "buy", I try and envisage what kind of person would leave the house and buy a CD from a shop. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe music used to be better, when it was a bit of a mission to go and buy. When it took 2 days wages and a trip into town to buy a 45. Now we've got mass produced crap that you can click and own with less effort than picking your nose.

I believe pop music is a false economy. In the same way that houses a few years ago were selling way over there actual worth (due to reasons outside my field of knowledge), I think people are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY overvaluing pop music. And all it'll take is some one to go...

"Wait a minute... I think...yes... I think this music is fucken appalling"

And the word will spread like a brushfire throughout the cities of the world. Listeners will emerge from their slumber and realise they've been had for the last 10 years. And, angry and confused, they shall descend upon the stations responsible for peddling this rubbish for so long. And they shall tear down the buildings that are home to this audio-crime and stomp upon the cassettes and hard-drives until nothing is left of the over-produced and over-valued fecal tunes of the day.

And silence shall reign once again.

Rodney King Punches On!!!

Coming soon to a TV near you. This is good. And wrong. It's good and wrong, and i'm not sure why.

Former race-hate attack victim Rodney King will be punching on with a renegade LA police officer who was booted from the force for his "Shoot first, ask questions later" policy as part of America's "Celebrity Fight Season"

What the fuck is going on in the world?

First and foremost, how is there an entire season dedicated to celebrity fights? I envisage people having diary's with appointments and such.

"What are you up to this week Lisa?"

"Well, I'm going to see Judy on Tuesday, then the dentist on Thursday morning, then... Oooh! Friday night is the first night of Celebrity Fight Season"

Say what you like about the Americans, they sure know how to squeeze every last drop of dignity out of their celebrities.

I'm not really sure what this match is going to achieve. If Rodney King wins, will he finally feel like justice has been served? Will he get closure on the issue by getting more points than the other gent in this televised event? It's not likely.

And what if the white guy wins? Will the black community put their hands up and say "Yes, you've won the fight. And our respect."

At best, this fight will stoke the fire of racism. At worst, this fight will stoke the fire of racism.*

I think what's most interesting about this though, is that I feel like Rodney King shouldn't be involved. I read this and for some reason, I figured being the victim of a racist beating automatically gives you a certain level of personal pride and morals. It appears it doesn't. Or maybe it does, and they can just be bought for the right price.

*I read a letter to the editor in some magazine a while ago and they were discussing the issue of racism in Australia. And someone had written in saying they went to Qatar and were ritualistically harassed for being white. The argument went along the lines of "Don't worry about racism in Australia, the people of Qatar are the biggest racists in the world, the blame should be put on them."

Despite the glaring hypocrisy of this statement, and the blatant passing the buck, don't you think this person over reacted a bit.

I'm white. I live in the first world. I am super-privileged. If I go to the middle east on holiday and feel some resentment from the locals, I hope I experience racism. Coz at least then some of the guilt of my incredibly fortunate existence is lifted off my shoulders.

You know when you beat someone to the finish line and feel a bit bad? If they're an arsehole about it, that victory is all the sweeter. It's not a just attitude or a particularly righteous one, but it's real and satisfying. I've got mates I love winning money off in poker, but only coz they're massive pricks when they win. If you don't like it when they win, don't play. If you don't wanna be maligned for your lifestyle, don't go to foreign cultures.

I've often considered, as I think we all have, is it worth starting a business on the strength of a name?

I don't think anyone actually likes feeding old people. They're grumpy and eat more than you'd think. But I reckon someone came up with the name Meals on Wheels and the business was built around it.

I used to live down the road from a mirror shop called Reflections. Very poor effort I thought, However, maybe because mirror shops don't do a roaring trade, or because the name brought in no punters coz it just wasn't clever enough, the dude that owned it had plenty of time to reflect on his poor choice of business.

On the other side of the coin is when someone starts a business, gives it a name, and then a bad reputation is built around the business. Enjoy this pic from a van in Peterbourough in England. maybe a viable business about 2 1/2 years ago, but now...?

Thirsty?

I'm travelling around Oz, and everywhere I go I drink the local brew.

In Perth, I drank Swan Lager.

In Adelaide, Coopers.

Melbourne, Carlton.

Hobart, Boags.

Brisbane, XXXX.

And Sydney, Malibu Latte's.

Not Derogatory.

A little while is was doing a topical joke at a gig. Doing topical material is hard coz if you do it for any longer than 48hrs, it pretty much goes from being “topical” to being “hack”. So you write it, learn it as best you can, then perform it once, maybe twice if it’s good.
Bearing this in mind, a while ago I did a topical joke at a gig. It went like so...

“Did you see that thing about the Sri Lankan cricket team on the news? Apparently they hit a massive score against the Pakistani’s and the next day they got shot up by all these gunmen. Luckily, no players were killed, just injured. So it looks like the Pakistani bowlers aren’t the only ones that need to work on their line and length”

Not a great joke, but good enough as it was topical. The problem was, when I did it, i was so busy trying to remember the joke that instead of referring to the team as the Pakistanis, I called them “The Paki’s”

After I did so, there was this really weird vibe in the room, no-one really liked me and I couldn’t work out why. After the gig, MC told me what had happened, referring to the Pakistanis as Paki’s. But in Australia, it’s not derogatory, it’s an abbreviation.

The only other time I’d felt such a weird vibe in a room towards me was at this party a little while back. It was at a mates place, and I drunk way too much and passed out early in the night. One of the boys drew a cock on my cheek whilst i was out. Would have been fine, but a few hours later i rose and rejoined the party, but there was a really weird vibe in the room, like no-one really liked me and I couldn’t work out why. It was only when I got talking to a French girl that I realised.

She said “You know you’ve got a dick on your cheek” I said “ah yeah, but my name’s Richard. In Australia, it’s not derogatory, it’s an abbreviation.

U KFC

KFC sponsors the cricket in Australia. I don’t know why. Fried chicken and sport go together like chalk and cheese. Poverty and education. Scunthorpe and dreams.
It makes me angry coz it’s ridiculous.

KFC is ridiculous.

Who makes their slogan “Finger licking good” and then includes a moist towlette? They know saliva alone can’t break down the layer of grease on your mits, so why make that the slogan?
KFC is ridiculous.
Last year during the cricket, they advertised special meal. Chicken, chips, coronary and a drink of your choice. It was called The Cricketers Box. Now, anyone who knows anything about cricket knows that a box is a sweaty plastic cup that protects your bits and pieces. It’s gross, but conducive to good health. Seldom do I desire fried chicken (sober), I hardly think packaging it alongside the testes of Danny that plays in the B team at Thornlie is gonna sway my decision.

KFC is ridiculous.

Their latest travesty against humankind is the Boneless Box. Made for those that want to enjoy chicken, without the pesky bones. What kind of fucking imbecile can’t deal with chicken bones!?! The fucken animal has EVOLVED to become more easily consumed! It’s next evolutionary step is to be born marinated and lay poached eggs!
Surely, whoever came up with this boneless chicken idea is the same person that brought us such self defeating ideas as mild chilli, minced meat and iced tea.

KFC is ridiculous.

I’ve realised, the only decent food they serve at KFC is corn. Good on em, I thought. Turns out though, you’re not meant to eat that. The corn is just an ‘in’ joke coz the guy that runs the place is called The Kernel.

Crickets

3 days in the bush can feel like an eternity. Well, three days anywhere can feel like an eternity. Three days on a bus. Three days in pergatory. Three days in shame. All, a long, long time.

Luckily, three days in the bush can be very very funny. And there are two routes to funny.

1. Time. Anything can become funny over a long period of time. Except "Friends" obviously.

2. Liquor. It's the shortcut to funny. It's the shortcut to fun. And if you've got three days to fill with fun, why not stay there. It's a long way back from sober.

Liquor is an iinteresting little number. Next time you're sitting around with your mates, stop and have a look. Who's drinking out of thirst? And who's drinking out of spite for their liver. It must suck to be a liver these days. I bet they tell tales of their Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand parents processing roughage. Or their first bit of meat. Nowadays it's like they're stuck on the Travelator in Gladiators, and every weekend it speeds up a bit more. They keep running and running as other organs cheers them on from the stands with "homemade" signs and the occassional piece of post-production commentary...

"he's doing it hard on the travelator, I'm starting to wonder whether this liver will live-r-nother day."

I don't know who commentates on Gladiators, but it'll always be a very poor mans Dennis Cometti.

Should have said that in the bush. Would have been classic. If not for all the crickets.